One of the toughest things that I have to do as a parent and as a working mother is saying goodbye to my children — every time I have to leave the house to go to work, whenever I have leave them with the babysitter or send them to school, or every time I have to go on yet another overseas trip.

Over the years, I have developed certain ways of managing goodbyes and making parting a little less difficult for both the children and I. I’d like to share these with you now in the hopes that they help you somehow.

1. Brief Your Children. Once your children are old enough to understand — which would start at around 3 years old — it is always good to brief them well in advance about an upcoming trip or any disruption in their normal routine. Pick a time when they’re well-rested and are in good mood. Talk to them in a lively, confident voice, holding them, and looking at them in the eyes. Children thrive on routine and anything that distrupts routine puts their entire universe out of balance. So pre-briefing is always a good idea.

I’ve once had to be away for an entire month when the twins were less than 4 years old. What I did was tell the twins almost everyday for about a month in advance where I was going, what I was going to do there, where they would be during my absence, who will be taking care of them, what they’ll doing while I’m away, when I am coming back, and so on. I gave the details gradually, becoming more and more detailed with each briefing session. Initially, they’d protest and cry. Then in time, they’d repeat what I’ve told them and even tell people details about my trip. So by the time I was about to leave, there were no tantrums, no crying, no drama.

[NB: Briefing also works in preparing children for travel.]

2. Familiarity Helps. Try to give your child some time to get familiar with his/her new daycare centre/school/babysitter beforehand. Perhaps you can visit the school with your child about a week before classes start just to see how the place looks like, where the classroom is going to be, where the canteen is, etc. Perhaps you can stay with your child the whole morning on the first day of school, an hour for the next few days for a week. There are no hard and fast rules here because some children adapt more easily than others.

3. Keep Your Goodbyes Short. Give your child a reassuring hug, a peck or two on the cheek, let him/her kiss your hand (it’s both a Malaysian and Filipino thing!), hand your child over to the caretaker/teacher, say goodbye, and — this is VERY important — leave immediately. Do not linger, no matter how tempting it gets, because it will only lengthen the entire process and prolong your agony…then you’d have to do the farewell thing all over again.

I remember a babysitter telling me not to worry, assuring me that my children would cry only very briefly upon my departure. Skeptic that I was, I thought she only said it to make me feel better. So one day, I quietly sneaked back to take a peek at what my children were doing and voila! They were indeed playing happily just minutes after the bawling and screaming when I handed them over to their teacher.

There are, however, times when I give an exception to this rule, such as when the child is not feeling well or has not had enough sleep the night before. In cases like this, I make it a point to spend a little extra time with them before starting the parting ritual. But I make it clear to my child right from the start that I’ll be there only until a certain time (or certain activity), then I’d have to leave. Unless the child is really unwell in which case you’re probably better off taking the morning or the entire day off.

4. Put On A Brave Face. Children can sense what we feel more than we realise — they take cues from our facial expressions and our body language. So no matter how much we are tearing up inside, we have to look calm and keep our voice steady for our children’s sake.

5. Make A Promise. And Keep It! Sometimes the twins would ask me when I’d be home. And I’d tell them “before dark” or at six o’clock (even though they can’t tell the time yet, they can grasp the idea of time and know the number 6) or after a certain TV show that I know is aired late in the afternoon. The moment I get home, I’d then tell them “Mama is home! Before dark, as I promised.” And they’d smile and beam and attack me with a massive bear hug…or they can also proceed to ignore me as they continue with whatever it was that they were doing before I got home.

Sometimes, I’d get stuck in a traffic jam and arrive later than promised. Whether or not they realise that I was late, I’d point it out to them, apologise for my tardiness, and promise to try to be on time next time.

Oh..and I’m always consistent with my promises. I do as I say and say as I do with my children. I never make empty threats. So my children know that when I give them my word, I will keep my word. It’s important for maintaining trust and for instilling discipline, as well. (See my previous post on disciplining children here.)

Do share with me your own tips and tricks on managing goodbyes with your little ones. I’d love to hear from you!