I can see where you’re logging on from…
- Gardermoen, Akershus, Norway
- Wolfville, Nova Scotia, Canada
- Andorra La Vella, Andorra
- Konin, Poland
- Vilshofen, Bayern, Germany
- Chani, Khania, Greece
- Braintree, Essex, UK
- Yalova, Turkey
- Vitoria, Pais Vasco, Spain
- Aalsmeer, Noord-Holland, Netherlands
- Waterloo, Ontario, Canada
- Nagoya, Aichi, Japan
- Recarei, Porto, Portugal
- Issaquah, Washington, USA
- Mexico, Distrito Federal, Mexico
- Aarhus, Arhus, Denmark
- Clermont-Ferrand, Auvergne, France
…far-flung places whose exotic names conjure exciting images in my mind.
I can see what posts brought you to my site….
Malay Wedding Part 2: Hantaran
Contemplating on Malaysian Healthcare
…but I have no idea who you are, what you do, what kind of lives you lead, why you read what I write, what you think of what I write.
I see you but I know nothing about you unless you leave a comment or two…
Tags: blogging
Sunset over Sabak Bernam
It’s a lot easier by far to write about the mundane frivolities of our lives — what we ate/did/saw — rather than deal with the things that we really want to talk about if only someone who’d understand would take the time to listen without judging us: the festering worries that keep us awake late into the night; the harsh realities that we struggle to change or, at the very least, try to live with; the gnawing pains that we try to hide with silly jokes and fleeting laughter; our most fervent hopes and dreams that we dare not tell anyone at the risk of ridicule.
And lest we burden another soul who is straining with more than enough worries of his own, we choose instead to keep it all locked up in our hearts and our heads, then we wear our masks and go on living for just one more day, with the hope that, perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day…
My Lord and my God, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow. O Ever Living, O Self-Subsisting and Supporter of all, by Your mercy, I seek assistance, rectify for me all of my affairs and do not leave me to myself, even for the blink of an eye. Amen.
The hardest part of parenting is arguably disciplining our children. It’s a tough job; somebody’s got to do it; and we, as the parents, have to do it.
There are no hard and fast rules. And whatever rules there may be, they constantly change and evolve.
Discipline is also a very, very personal — and dare I say, touchy — issue. What works for one family may not be applicable to another.
These are 10 things that have always worked for me. Again, I wish to make it clear that these may or may not be appropriate for your children. But I find these 10 general rules have worked quite well for me over the years with my 5 children.
1. Start early.
I know many people who say, “Oh, she’s still small. She doesn’t understand yet. I’ll deal with her when she’s bigger.” I disagree on both counts.
Point 1: Children are capable of understanding even from a very early age. Even babies learn very early on about cause and effect. Just observe your toddler the next time you are reading a book or watching TV. He’d do something naughty then wait for your reaction. For such a child, an angry outburst is better than being ignored. And he knows very well that if he pushes the right buttons, he can get the attention that he craves.
Point 2: A young branch is still pliable; once it gets too old, it gets harder and tends to break more easily if you try to straighten it.
2. Be firm.
Disciplining your child requires you to be ‘cruel’ to be kind. It’s natural for you, as a parent, to feel bad when your child is crying, especially when you are the reason for it. But you must be firm. The moment you get swayed by your little one’s tears, she’d use the same crying tactic each and every time to get what she wants.
You must be at your firmest when it comes to tantrums. If your child throws a tantrum, take him away from the cause of the tantrum. Or take the cause of the tantrum away from him. Distract him with something else. Hug him, talking calmly the whole time. (This works with some children but not for others.) Timeouts can work for some children. When all else fails, tell your child: “You can cry all you want but you still cannot ________.” Then steel yourself to not give in.
But there are times when it’s no longer possible to reason with a small child (only you, as the parent, will be able to tell exactly when this point is!) and/or you change your mind and just give in. For example, you might decide that she can have that extra ice cream cone after all. But before you give in, you must insist that she stop crying first, then she can have the ice cream cone. This is to break the association between her crying and your giving in.
3. Be consistent.
For instance, you want your children to wear seatbelts every time they get in the car. Even if it’s raining, even if you’re running late, you must make sure they’re buckled up each and every time they’re in the car.
And when you do make exceptions, make it clear: “Normally, I don’t allow it but today, you can ________ because you’ve been extra helpful with the household chores.”
Consistency also applies to both parents. If you say ‘No‘ but your spouse says ‘Yes‘, the children would know what to do the next time you forbid them to do something: they’d go ask your spouse. You and your spouse must agree on the basic guidelines on what’s allowed and what’s not.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
This goes hand in hand with consistency. Never lie to your children because it will make you lose your credibility in time. When they ask you something and you’re not sure if you can do it or not, tell them “I’ll try” or “I’ll think about it” or “Let’s talk about this later” or “Let me discuss this with your father“.
Don’t make empty threats. At the same time, when you promise something, fulfill them. Because children never forget.
My children always take me seriously whenever I tell them of the consequences that they have to face when they refuse to do as I say. They know I always do as I say. At the same time, they always believe me whenever I try to assure them of something because the moment I ask them, “Have I ever lied to you?“, they know the answer very well.
4. Be specific with instructions.
When I go to the supermarket with my children, I give them a short briefing before we leave the house. I don’t just say “I want you to behave.” Rather, I give specific instructions like: “You should stay close to me at all times. You can pick out one item for yourself, as long as it’s not too expensive. You are not to run around and play hide-and-seek.”
5. Anticipation is key.
Small children tend to misbehave when they are tired or hungry. Sleepy children make cranky children. Well-fed children are happy children. So I always plan trips with the children — whenever possible — before they get too tired or hungry, i.e. while they’re still at their best behaviour.
I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say that many a meltdown occurs when a child has had insufficient sleep the night before or when a toddler stays up way past his normal bedtime.
6. Reinforce the positive.
Catch your children doing something right, praise them for it, and you’ll find them doing again in the future the very same act that earned your praise in the first place. Children seem to have an innate need to earn their parents’ approval. I noticed how babies love it when, after they’ve done something right, you clap your hands and say “Very good!” Never underestimate the power of praise.
At the same time, you must keep a balance and avoid praising the smallest things all the time. You can simply say something along the lines of “I like it when you help your brother put his shoes on.” On the flip side, you can voice out your displeasure by saying something like “I don’t like it when you don’t share your toys.”
7. Pick your battles.
Give your children some leeway with the minor stuff and reserve your energy for the more important issues. Your child also needs some room to breathe and you’d run yourself down if you try to control every little aspect of his life.
8. “Because I said so” is not good enough.
When your children are big enough to ask why you’re forbidding them from or asking them to do something, explain to them the reason in terms that they can understand.
“I need you to stay close to me at the supermarket so that you don’t get lost. A bad man might take you away from you. And I’ll be very sad. You’ll be sad, too, right?”
“I have to limit that amount of time you play computer and watch TV because you need to sleep. I read an article that growth hormones only work while you are asleep. That means, if you don’t get enough sleep, you won’t grow as much as you’re supposed to. Would you like to remain short when all of your friends have grown taller?”
“You must not take things that don’t belong to you. Even if it’s a very small object, if it doesn’t belong to you and you take it, it’s still stealing. Remember what the Bible says? ‘Thou shall not steal.‘”
“How sad that your friend doesn’t like to go to school. Perhaps you should remind him that it’s his duty, as a Muslim, to seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave. The fact that the first verse of the Qur’an which was revealed was ‘Iqra!’ — ‘Read!’ — just shows how important it is to seek knowledge. That applies to you, too!”
Too complicated to explain? You can always fall back on “One day when you’re big enough to understand, I will explain to you.” But be prepared to do so when the time comes. And don’t overuse this line lest it loses its efficacy.
9. Isolate the action from the person.
Make it clear to your child that you love her and want only what’s best for her but it’s what she did that you don’t like. “I love you and I’ll always love you because you are my daughter but I am disappointed with what you did today.”
I guess this is why my children remain very close to me and are very affectionate with me, even if I tend to be quite strict with them. There are even times when they come up to me and say, “Mama, I know you’ll be disappointed with me because _______. I’m sorry.” At the same time, there are also times when they run to me and say, “Mama, I know you’re going to be so proud of me. Today, I _______.” For me, this shows that they already know what’s expected of them and for that, I am grateful.
10. Walk the walk and talk the talk.
Finally, it is very important for you to provide a good example to your children. There is nothing worse than telling your children to do something, then doing exactly the opposite of what you asked them to do. Children tend to pick up more on non-verbal cues. They learn from observation and imitation from infancy. As the old adage goes, children learn what they live.
Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance,
They learn to love.
If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,
They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972/1975 by Dorothy Law Nolte
Tags: discipline
MyEldest & RoundBoy at the computer
I overheard my children mentioning the word ‘invulnerable’ as they were playing a game on the computer last weekend. [NB: Normally, while one child plays, the others watch and/or coach and/or intervene if help is needed.]
I asked them if they knew what invulnerable means.
Their answer?
“Impenetrable.”
I almost choked in my effort to hold back laughter and amusement. Then I decided to probe just a bit further, “But what does ‘impenetrable’ mean?”
They replied: “You know, like when you try to shoot something tapi dia tak kena (but it doesn’t get damaged).”
Their command of the English language — for non-native English speakers — just continues to astound me.
How do we do it?
- Conversing with them in English 90% of the time;
- Reading to them from since they were babies;
- Watching English-language documentaries with them on Discovery Channel, National Geographic Channel, and TVIQ;
- Using new words every chance I get in our daily conversations (and explaining to them what it means in simplified terms, if I have to); and
- Lots of new reading material for them to read by themselves — usually books which we borrow from the National Library.
In contrast, their Malay is so bad, they don’t even know what pucat means. *sigh*
pucat [pu-chat]
adjective: pale
Tags: Languages
Foreword: This is a long overdue post on my June 2009 trip to Cape Point, South Africa. You may click on each photograph to see its slightly larger version in another tab or window, depending on your browser.
As I stood on the viewing deck of the lighthouse, bracing myself against the bitter cold of the winter wind that threatened to sweep me away like a stray leaf, I gazed in silent awe at the varying shades of blue and emerald of the vast ocean stretched out in all directions before me. I watched the waves pound the small strip of white-sand beach beneath the cliffs and felt my breath catch in my throat. My eyes strained to see where the Atlantic and Indian Oceans merged but there was no clear dividing line — just an endless expanse of unfathomable ocean water.
And this is how I’ll always remember Cape Point, South Africa, the southwesternmost tip of Africa where the Atlantic and Indian Oceans are supposed to meet and merge.
Notate Bene:
- The actual location of the actual demarcation of the two oceans has been the continued source of debate. I shall not delve into that topic given my limited knowledge, but you can click on this link to read an article on the said argument.
- My Muslim readers may find this meeting of the two oceans to be of particular interest due to the Qur’an mentioning such a phenomenon.
Cape Point is located within Cape of Good Hope National Park, some 65 kilometers southwest of Cape Town.
The entrance fee is 60 Rand for each adult, 10 Rand for each child below 12 years old (approximately US$7.80 and US$1.30, respectively).
Interestingly enough, dogs are specifically banned from entering the Cape of Good Hope.
To get a glimpse of the magnificent views of Cape Point, one must ascend via the funicular…
…cheekily named ‘The Flying Dutchman’.
‘The Flying Dutchman’ will take you to the Lighthouse-Keepers office building, which was built in 1860.
As the name suggests, it was originally the office for the lighthouse-keepers but it is now being used as an information centre.
From that point on, you must go up on foot in order to get to the lighthouse where the viewing deck is located.
Owing to the altitude as well as the cold, dry wind, you might want to stop several times to catch your breath. And when you do, don’t forget to look down and admire the beauty of the landscape below you.
These red flowers caught my eye as they provided a beautiful contrast to the monochromatic blue palette of the sea and sky.
Once you get to the lighthouse, you’ll find this signpost that shows the direction and approximate distances of major cities around the world.
I don’t recall seeing Kuala Lumpur among the cities but I did see Singapore, which is 9,667 km away. That would make KL some 10,000 km away then :)
This magnificent view of Cape Point remains one of my favourites and I’ve predictably converted it into a desktop wallpaper.
After having your fill of the sweeping panoramas of Cape Point — which is about the time you start to be numb with cold especially if you go there in wintertime, like I did — you then have to start your slow descent back to the Lighthouse-Keepers Office Building, where you can warm your frozen fingers with a cup of coffee, go to the toilet, or browse an extensive selection of souvenirs at the Curio Shop.
You can opt for the usual decorated ostrich eggs, fridge magnets, bookmarks, mugs, or t-shirts…
…or you can buy one of these certificates that attest to your having stood at the southwestern-most tip of South Africa. Or you can be a cheapskate money-savvy like me and just take a photograph of the certificate for you to electronically add your name later ;)
But seriously! With the photos that I’ve taken with my trusty Nikon DSLR, I have no need for any of these small souvenirs. All I need to do is gaze at the photos to be reminded of the mesmerizing beauty of Cape Point, South Africa.
Tags: Cape Town, South Africa
